Senior year's a killer

Biting back a scream and a dangerous jump, I grip the window frame and shake. I am ridiculous, irrational, passionate, and disillusioned. Somehow I no longer recognize myself but it doesn't matter because I hated both of me. I long to turn away from the approaching storm, to block the thunderclaps from my ears and the lightning bolts from my eyes [pretty eyes, they say, but they're hateful pools of shit-brown nothing if you look deep].

If I sing high enough, laugh loud enough, an ice cream and bubble gum sun takes me over- but never permanently. The dark wind will eventually knock me over, and as I wait I remember peaceful breezes tickling my face with my own hair. I hate those damn breezes for drawing me into the lie of eternal youth. My own impending adulthood and personal responsibility stretches over me like a suffocating, all-encompassing, fire-filled death. Goddamn my innocence, my foolishness, my steadfast belief that mediocrity would suffice. If only the world would let me sleep- I'm tired. So tired.

My trials have only just begun, they're nothing compared to what's coming and I'm already here, standing at this window, fantasizing about these pills, looking wistfully at car accidents.

Dance of Denial

My eyes are closed but I pretend they're not.
I am spinning
spinning
away from the truth of what
is
what
was
you.

Measured breathing gives me control.

I don't have to wake up

I have everything, spinning,
with eyes closed.
Reality don't you dare take my @#!*% smile.

For Dami

I'm hanging off the edge grasping at whatever I can find that's not good for me. I'm pushing as far away from what I used to be as I can. But there's a part of you I'm connected to- keeping me on the edge, not over it. Holding on to my innocence, bringing me back to swimming days and Popsicle tongues. You hold on to the child in me, make me feel young again, and I can't thank you enough.

It's not that you're a child, or naive, or holding me back. Somehow you are so much more mature than I could ever be. People probably wonder why I hold onto you so much if we aren't dating. It's because you ground me, keep me safe and warm from the storm that is my mind. You are steady, you are calm, you are everything I'm not. You are the best guy any girl could ask for.

Cliff Diving

I sense a dangerous pattern in the making- proved twice already, who knows how many times in the future. I, quietly watching as you walk, appreciating the shape of you, the angles of you, everything of you, grow dark. Feeling myself waning away in your shadow, your beautiful shadow, you become my everything. To the point where I don't recognize myself. To the point where I don't like myself. But I can't stop, I'm tumbling head over heels down a cliff- I know where it lands and still I allowed myself to lean too far.

Even tiny steps will let you fall to your doom

Talking to you made me so incredibly happy. It was awkward and weird but I didn't care because we were talking. Acknowledging that the other existed. I missed that. But I'm scared. I don't know if I'm so happy just because I missed you, or if I still want so much more than you want. I can't help but remember the shit I said to you, back when I was so angry. Maybe you deserved it, but all I feel is embarrassed. Yeah, you have bad qualities and annoying habits, but right now I'm overlooking those. I wish we could go back to what we had, before I opened my mouth. I don't regret telling you. The consequences just made me sad. I don't know how to explain that any further. At least I took that step. It was a baby step, but I still ended up falling off that cliff.

The day after is filled with regret

I wish I could talk to you but pride's got my tongue. You do this every time. Every time I get mad and blow up, a day later you make me feel like a stereotypical, bitchy, vindictive girl who expects too much. I don't even think you do it on purpose. But please, can you get off my mind and out of my heart? I'd like my life back.

Life is in the Small Things

-Cogs-

It’s the sound of rain as hitting the roof when you’re inside

It’s the way he smiles more with one side of his mouth than the other

It’s the rabbit you only see for a second before it hides itself

It’s her hair, frizzy and wild and beautiful if only because it is hers

It’s the taste of cold pizza in the middle of the night

It’s an old toy that was never packed up or given away

It’s the scent of a day under the sweltering sun

It’s the way your breathing changes when you think about it

It’s the slightly off taste of non-sugar sweeteners

-Alicia-

It's the way the sun hits your face in just the right way so you feel like an angel

It's the way you hug someone a little longer trying to tell them you care

It's that one person absolutely anything, even if it's stupid

It's his voice, beautiful and tone deaf

It's the way the wind smells when there's nothing but sun in the sky

It's that person you can recognize by the back of their head in a crowd

It's that one chord on the piano that makes you shiver

It's the nights you stayed up past three AM just thinking