Cliff Diving

I sense a dangerous pattern in the making- proved twice already, who knows how many times in the future. I, quietly watching as you walk, appreciating the shape of you, the angles of you, everything of you, grow dark. Feeling myself waning away in your shadow, your beautiful shadow, you become my everything. To the point where I don't recognize myself. To the point where I don't like myself. But I can't stop, I'm tumbling head over heels down a cliff- I know where it lands and still I allowed myself to lean too far.

Even tiny steps will let you fall to your doom

Talking to you made me so incredibly happy. It was awkward and weird but I didn't care because we were talking. Acknowledging that the other existed. I missed that. But I'm scared. I don't know if I'm so happy just because I missed you, or if I still want so much more than you want. I can't help but remember the shit I said to you, back when I was so angry. Maybe you deserved it, but all I feel is embarrassed. Yeah, you have bad qualities and annoying habits, but right now I'm overlooking those. I wish we could go back to what we had, before I opened my mouth. I don't regret telling you. The consequences just made me sad. I don't know how to explain that any further. At least I took that step. It was a baby step, but I still ended up falling off that cliff.

The day after is filled with regret

I wish I could talk to you but pride's got my tongue. You do this every time. Every time I get mad and blow up, a day later you make me feel like a stereotypical, bitchy, vindictive girl who expects too much. I don't even think you do it on purpose. But please, can you get off my mind and out of my heart? I'd like my life back.

Life is in the Small Things

-Cogs-

It’s the sound of rain as hitting the roof when you’re inside

It’s the way he smiles more with one side of his mouth than the other

It’s the rabbit you only see for a second before it hides itself

It’s her hair, frizzy and wild and beautiful if only because it is hers

It’s the taste of cold pizza in the middle of the night

It’s an old toy that was never packed up or given away

It’s the scent of a day under the sweltering sun

It’s the way your breathing changes when you think about it

It’s the slightly off taste of non-sugar sweeteners

-Alicia-

It's the way the sun hits your face in just the right way so you feel like an angel

It's the way you hug someone a little longer trying to tell them you care

It's that one person absolutely anything, even if it's stupid

It's his voice, beautiful and tone deaf

It's the way the wind smells when there's nothing but sun in the sky

It's that person you can recognize by the back of their head in a crowd

It's that one chord on the piano that makes you shiver

It's the nights you stayed up past three AM just thinking

Posion flood that destroys all walls

it is dark into the night when my walls come
crashing
crashing down in a flood
of words and lyrics and thought i wish i didn't think.
it is a sweet, painful release of poison
blooming inside me every day.
all i want is just once for my flood of poison
to mix
with your flood of poison.
just to taste your poison.
just to know it's there.
but
you love to help me rebuild my walls
trying
to build it stronger each time
so
you don't have to see me like this again.
not
because
you care or
it hurts but
because
you'd rather see the lie
the lie that bottles my poison
and toxic-waste-dumps it
in my heart.

Don't buy a girl a gold ring when the sun is shining

piercing shafts of light
burn
my eyes
so i smile
and feel alive.
i need the intensity
transforming every color
to gold.
so cheap in jewelry
perfect in nature.
i squint and tear
until
the golden god
drops behind a tree.

Hindsight is bittersweet, but mostly just bitter

Fog encloses everything
within my sight so I cannot see.
But somehow not seeing
or knowing
allows me to see everything clearer
and to know more
at least that's what it feels like.
I look at what my life has been and
I see a broken shell.

Lightning, gummy bears, and shaking hands.

You struck my heart like lightning, flashing across the sky of me in an instant and I'm blinded hoping for you.
Your stupid laugh and tone deaf voice leaves me smiling like they just figured out how to bottle sunshine.
I hate this feeling because it's needy and that's something I never want to be to you.
Every time I see you my hands start shaking and my breath gets short and my face turns a shade of red impossible to hide.
Something about the way you love Heath Ledger and gummy bears makes me think that somehow you would be okay to love.
But you aren't.

Nothing

Innocence is easy and ignorance is bliss- don't argue otherwise. But innocence will always be lost, no matter how hard you try to keep a child in the dark. I'm ready to fall into the twisted world, so let me go.
I'm ready to try my hand at having my own identity, no longer being chained to everything you are. I'm ready to throw off the title of child. So let me go! Let me go before I suffocate! I am not part of you, I left the womb and now I'm ready to leave you behind.
Your pathetic need sickens me, I can't stand to look at you.
I don't know where this is going but I'll be happy as long as it's away.

Relationships don't matter in zero gravity

Someone turn the gravity off so
when I stop caring and
let go I
don't have to hit the ground.

Free-fall is easy and
peaceful to a point, almost
like nothing matters anymore and
I can just exist without trying.

Cause right now I'm
trying so fucking hard every
day and still you're smoke
and I am hands trying to catch you.

I am still a
million things at once that
are part of a puzzle, "Which
one of these does not belong?"

allofthem.

I don't know who to be
with you or what is
okay with you and
it's too hard to keep up.

So to get to my
point, I'm done
trying so fucking hard
for your attention.

Go ahead and break it, it's just my heart.

I'm getting a little sick of putting my best face forward only to get slapped.
Like a masochistic puppy waiting to be kicked I
reach out to you again and again.
Talking to you is reliving my greatest fear
over and over
Loving someone- actually CARING-
more than they do.
You don't notice. Even though with every word I try to convey how much you mean to me
you laugh and joke
and hurt me.
And you don't notice.

Revolution isn't that complicated

Let's start a revolution of smiles, a movement so unexpected and extraordinarily mundane that it will turn the world on its head.
Let's have a day where we smile at every single person we see, watch them stare back at us in awe because they can't remember the last time they saw a stranger smile.
Let's live a life where we forget the bad things, where no one needs to ask forgiveness because it's given unconsciously.
Let's have a friendship that makes people do a double take because it's real and uncorrupted by hidden agendas.
Let's reach out a thousand hands to a thousand of the needy in unison, so we can lean on the combined strength of all of us to pull them out of need.
Let's make a pact to do things for ourselves, not to prove something to someone else or to try and beat someone else.
Let's exist in a way that reflects our brotherhood of humans.

Dream Within a Dream

A chariot awaited
the girl with curly hair.
She placed her golden self upon the seat.
The world flashed-
color-
gray-
color-
until the third sky broke.

Distant laughter and forgotten happiness
plunged through the sunlight into her
memory.
She remembered,
she remembered!
There was a family,
not perfect, but potentially.
She remembered,
she remembered!
It was her fault they broke.

The break is too complete to heal-


And then I woke up.

I woke up crying and I told you about my nightmare disguised as a wonderland and your sad eyes made me believe you understood because that's what best friends do.

But it was a dream
within a dream,
because I woke up-
for real-
alone.

Carpe Diem [?]

My heart is beating as fast as I'm driving and the air is alive- how, I don't know. I scream and laugh and choke on the freedom but it's gone in a flash of lightening. The rain erased who I was and with my arms figuratively spread wide I embraced what might be.

It might be that I don't stop driving until I'm far enough away to never hear my name again. It might be that I spin off the rainslick road and give my body back to the dirt.

But what is is me, turning onto my dark street and turning the music down so I don't wake the neighbors.

Self-Portrait

I am a hodge-podge of odds and ends, a swirl of phrases from decades past and debris from the hurricane in my head. There is a father-me, a mother-me, and the objective me that philosophically ponders herself and the rest of the world from a cloud that I imagined.

I am a firm believer in the trustworthy until proven untrustworthy school of thought. Some call me naive, others an optimist. I, however, am a realist. My heart is so big it controls my brain and my eyes, unfortunately, are of the sad puppy dog persuasion. I enjoy walking in the heat but hate humidity. I am consistently inconsistent but somehow love routine. I am an oxymoron in the extreme, which might come from there being three people that are all me.

I will never stop believing I can help people in need and I frequently pick up trash, but don't go calling me a saint because more often than not I have something nasty to say or think.

I don't believe in small talk because I'd rather say words that mean something. I hate McDonald's and all it stands for and I am always wishing that I was not a middle-class white American, the ultimate in cliches.

I can read for hours and I sleep when I'm angry. It doesn't take much for me to absolutely love you and my guilty pleasure is boys who barely talk to me. Maybe I get a kick out of futility?

Here I sit, hoping I've painted you a moderately accurate self-portrait.

Feelings that turn galaxies

Staring at beauty with you by my side, you say, "How do you feel?" What a question. I open my mouth, but no sound escapes as my brain is still scrambling to locate my heart and squeeze out an answer. Now ask me that question again in reference to you and I could spin the world around with all the words I would say. Your patient eyes search for mine and it takes everything in me not to press my face into you and breathe. Instead I return my gaze to beauty and say, "Tell me what I should feel." My heart breaks as you sigh, "I can't."

When Life is Blurred

Human nature is an expert romanticizer. Tragedy becomes something to relive, life with you a fond memory. Somehow, the stark lines of reality are so blurred that a shining trombone brings me to a tearful smile. Somehow, I forget what life with you really was. Yelling, not crying, over spilled milk. Family game nights ending with slammed doors and wet pillows. Life with you was walking n already broken eggshells, because try as we might, we were wrong. Father's Day pictures were you in your old suit, frowning- us, showing desperate teeth and tense shoulders.

If I squint, the smiles seem real.

Unfortunately, when the lines are still blurred, cigar smoke and closed eyes have me envisioning a hiking trip where you made an effort. Where map-reading wasn't an ordeal. Meat on the grill brings me back to six years old, coming home from school to a smiling you making us dinner.

I can't run fast enough to unblur the lines and see the bitterness in your eyes.

Extrordinaire

Burning bridges is my specialty. I love you, but that could change in an instant. When playing the puppy dog gets to be too much, one clean incision and you're gone. Call me a relationship removal specialist, chameleon, illusionist extrordinaire. With a snap of my fingers, the hurt in my eyes shifts to a hostile nothing. It's easy to trust because it's even easier to shut out. You'll be on the other side, head spinning with the quickness of seperation, only vaguely aware it's permanent. I, however, am clearing every thought of you from my mind so next time we meet, the hostile nothing in my eyes will be effortless.

Existence Undermined by Hesitation

Biting my nails, I am alone. Alone in dark room unsure if it exists, longing for music. There has to be a life out there waiting for me, so much bigger than this quasi-existent dark room and ragged nails. I have to be able to go somewhere. I have to be able to live. Every word out of my mouth will be nothing but cliche unless I have my own experiences to turn into words. Every song I attempt to write will be nothing but lies unless I go out and get a broken heart to write about. My problem is hesitation. It always has been. I always think of the right thing to say a split-second too late, or I spend too long second-guessing what I feel and I miss telling someone. And I'm left, cursing my sluggish mouth, as they walk by. Left alone, to bite my nails in this dark room, not knowing what's real.

Honeysuckle Summer

It's night and I'm barefoot walking on the dirt as the warm smell of summer engulfs me in a wave so powerful I'm dizzy. Closing my eyes I can almost hear the music of parties gone on too late and the whispering of secrets I thought would never get told. We were young and invincible in the make-believe Summerland, where sun-filled days bleached our brains of worry or care. Quiet rustling fills the air as my friend the Breeze moves through the honeysuckle, bringing on another flare of summer smell. Thoughts of the boy who wasn't fill my mind and opening my eyes to see he isn't there physically hurts me. Imagined summers with him make me smile with a painful twist of my lips. His blue eyes squinting in the sun, his freckles melting into a sweet tan, his laugh being the only nourishment I would need for days. Us alone together but all we need to do is hold hands and sit with our toes dangling in cool water. My fingers running through his hair, and it's so real to me I almost reach out- but I stop because once again my eyes see reality and the reality is he's not here. He's somewhere else, thinking of someone else, leaving me with a hole in my chest, the pieces scattered across the ground spelling out his name.

Goodbye

The page blurs as I read about neurons and all I can think is that you're neurons will never fire again. It's sick and horribly biological. I know you're happy staring at the shining face of the most Holy High God but here on Earth we'll miss you. The only thing I can remember is that you told me not to speed- ever. I didn't listen. I'm fine, but it's the principle that matters. I'm sorry. But I promise I'll never forget that your fingers wiggled when I last held your hand.

Untitled Rant of Obsessive Longing

I lean in, close my eyes, and belong to you for one brief second. You'll never know the delusions I have when I take one look at you. Seeing the back of your head in a crowded room is enough to send me off, hyperventilating with a mind out of control. A word from you will dominate my thoughts for a week. I analyze every look, syllable, smile, movement, desperately looking for a second meaning to convince myself you care. I've always prided myself on not compromising for a boy but that was before you. I can deny it all I want but I know I'd do anything you ask, just for a second of looking into the endless blue of your eyes.

Blind Heart

It was night and the girl walked alone but
she wasn't scared.
There were fights and the girl was insulted but
she wasn't angry.
She sees nothing,
while looking at everything.
She feels nothing,
subjected to everything.
There was sun and the girl was outside but
she wasn't smiling.
There were birds and the girl watched them fly but
she wasn't jealous.
She sees nothing,
while looking at everything.
She feels nothing,
subjected to everything.
Her heart is blinded.

Eyes Burning

Eyes burning as I stare at the clock, I stare at the clock and still wonder what time it is. Hours pass in seconds and seconds take an hour. So I turn, eyes still burning, to gaze at the floor. Unidentifiable feelings well up within me, deep from my soul and even from the shallows of the outmost corners of my brain and I wail. I wail for the falling petals of the daffodils outside, I cry for the people whose smiles aren't returned. I sob for the helplessness that consumes my very being right now, so helpless I can't even control my weeping. Wrapped tight in an expected but unwanted embrace- not unwanted enough to shrug away but not wanted enough to ask for- my tears fall on your shoulder and you understand, at least you think you do. The quick unfulfilling breaths I take shake my body and I cough, almost vomit with the effort of breathing and standing and being and thinking. 'Look to God' you tell me, 'He has the answers.' I know this, know this down in the depths of my brain but somehow my heart has forgotten and I can't make it remember. All I can say to Him is help. Help me, because I don't know what's wrong. And so, eyes burning, I look back to the clock and finally comprehend the time.

I Tend to Rush

Sighing
I close the message
message from you that
I eagerly anticipated.
Just another blurb from you that
makes me question my feelings.
What are you thinking?
"I hate him."
No, you don't know him.
I guess
I don't know you.
See, that's my problem.
I tend to rush into things.

Anger in the Rain [Blind Girl]

Windshield wipers
WHACK
WHACK
away the raindrops that
quickly gather on my
windshield,
blurring my
vision.
But
my vision is not the only one blurred, and
rain isn't the only thing
I'd like to whack with windshield wipers.
You,
blind girl,
have blindly broken something dear to me.
You,
blind girl,
have made me RIOTOUSLY angry.

The signs were there, blind girl,
I know, I helped him put them up.
He put out his hand, blind girl, for you.
Bared his soul, blind girl, for you.
Gained confidence, blind girl, for you.

Nice guys may finish last, but
this nice guy has an angry friend.

So I took a leaf out of Danielle's book [Spring]

This time of year makes me feel as though the twilight could last forever and ever, like the sun will never completely disappear. This time of year makes me feel like I have all the time in the world, because I usually start my homework once it gets dark. The sun just seems brighter and it's warm and hot and cool all at the same time, but never cold.
This time of year makes jokes seem funnier and laughs louder and friends better. This time of year makes me think my feelings will never get hurt and love will never be more complicated than a smile.
It's so beautiful, one morning you just open your eyes to an explosion of emerald life all around you. The sky is an endless canvas of the prettiest blue God could create. The wind is just strong enough to kiss every bit of your skin it can find and it's just warm enough to wear shorts and dance in the sun.
Sometimes, sometimes I just have to close my eyes and breathe as deeply as I can and it just smells like happy and I'm filled with this joy and contentment that feels everlasting. Sometimes I just need to squinch my toes in the dirt and feel the cool green grass blades tickle my feet. Sometimes shoes just aren't an option and I have to kick them off, wherever I am.
This time of year is the best time for swinging. You just lean back and let your hair fly through the breeze and close your eyes and lose all sense of up and down and just BE. Just be in the sun and the clean air and the happy.


Complete word vomit, just typed everything this weather does to me.
Tell me if I'm crazy or if you agree :]

My Hands are Yours

Hands
sin-darkened with a shadow that can only be removed by a blood offering
are before me.
They are my own.
They are my own
and
they are dirty
and
they hold in them the only thing I have to give
which is
my life.
My life
filled with darkness
sorrow
pain
guilt
is yours.
Yours because
of the blood offering you freely gave
before my great-grandparents were even imagined by man.
Yours because
of the love you have shown me when there is nothing about me to love.
Yours because
of the joy you have filled me with when most people think there is no reason to be joyful.
Yours because
of the endless chances you have given me for redemption.
Hands
never lifted high enough to possibly be worthy of you
but you sing over them anyways.
Hands
made strong and new by the love you pour over them.

Quicksand Eyes

Looking at your eyes,
I am frozen.
Like Medusa,
they turn me to stone.

Looking at your eyes,
I am alive.
Like Dr. King,
they give me a dream.

Looking at your eyes,
I am mesmerized-
like a deer,
and they are the headlights.

Looking at your eyes,
I am trapped.
Like quicksand,
they pull me in.

Take me away
in your quicksand eyes-
where clouds are perfect
in eternal summer.

Take me away
in your quicksand eyes-
to bare foot days
and secret laughter.

Take me away
in your quicksand eyes-
to sleepless nights
with no regrets.

Looking at your eyes,
your quicksand eyes,
I know
you can take me everywhere.

Winter Blues

UHM HI SO THIS WHOLE WINTER THING NEEDS TO STOP IMMEADIATELY.
Thank you.
I hate cold.
so much.
so
so
so
soooooooooo much!!!
It's CLOUDY and COLD and WINDY and I NEED THE SUN!
I'm gonnna LOOOOOSSSSEEE ITTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
kay bye.

Mr. Dunce inspired me to write about eyes..

This is no where NEAR as good as his piece... but I kinda like it..

Eyes.
They glow.
Some say they are windows to the soul.
I am drawn to meet their gaze
with my own, but
the feelings they express
make me break away.
Those windows
to your soul-
I'm afraid to look through.
If I see your soul-
suddenly you will become frighteningly real.
If you are real-
well then, I can't laugh you off.
And I'll have lost
my only escape route.

The Month Long Project that I stopped after February like...10th?

Over,
Long gone.
You are called Voldemort by my friends.
I wish you were Voldemort,
because then you would
repulse me.
My tummy wouldn't flutter
when you smile.
We would be over,
long gone,
and done.
You're already a distant memory- I found someone new.
Maybe not as distant as I would hope you are,
[**Here is where I stopped, but I'm finishing it because I hate unfinished work**]
but distant nonetheless.
Don't think
you can just smile at me and say "Hey"
the next time you realise I don't text you anymore.
But wait-
you didn't notice anyways,
and I'm agitated to know-
you still can strike a chord in my heart.
You fluster me!
Stop it!
I can't be around you,
because I have to move on,
but how will I know if I have
if I just don't see you?
If you could just man up
and actually acknowledge that we were close to being friends
it would be so much easier
to be over you.


Yeah so I just typed that ending out in about a minute, basically word vomit, to quote Danielle.. :]

Groupie

I'm confused.
Yesterday, we were friends-
today, we aren't.
Or maybe-
I fooled myself.
Or maybe-
you fooled me.
I let myself get caught up in the illusion of
who you want people to think you are.
We all put on this illusion
to some degree,
but I guess I thought
I was special.
I thought the you I knew
was real.
I thought I was allowed
in the inner circle-
a close friend.
Turns out,
I'm just a groupie,
hanging on for dear life.
Guess what?
I let go.

Afternoons, waiting

Snatching green leaves off
a little bush,
I'm angry.
Angry in an empty parking lot,
empty except for me and
a quiet Indian boy.
He never talks-
to me-
but this routine is daily.
A car passes by.
I look up-
but it's not my ride.

After I rip the leaf from the bush,
I flick it away,
not bothering to watch
it's downward spiral.
We are silent,
but we are not uncomfortable.
We are just there.
A car passes by.
I look up-
but it's not my ride.

I move onto the next bush,
unsuspecting and
alive.
I tear these leaves to shreds
as I remember the words of my mother.
She told me that
taking leaves from a bush
is like
a giant taking arms
from me.
I'm sorry to hurt this bush.
But there's nothing for me to do but
rip these leaves and
not talk to
the quiet Indian boy.
A car passes by.
I look up-
but it's not my ride.

I turn, but
the quiet Indian boy
is gone.

Lots of Stuff

Like a Stone

Pressure always building
in my chest.
Tension, I'm on edge.
What is this anticipation
that I feel?

Like stepping to the end
of a very steep cliff,
all I know is the long way down.
The time is coming,
for what, I don't know.

When the moment arrives to leap,
leap into oblivion,
the sky,
my soul,
I'll either fly-
or drop.
Like
a
stone.


Victory and Pride

Arguments and anger
make so much sense
in the start.

Indignant and
self-righteous,
the yelling begins.

But yelling turns
to crying turns
to wondering
what have I done?

The long battle
has commenced
and there is no turning back.

Victory never tastes as sweet
as we think it will.
But pride, foolish pride,
makes us eat our triumph
with a smile.

Fight or Flight

I'm not much one for
talking about things
that can't be laughed off or forgotten.

I'd rather keep things light
so my baggage won't
weigh me down.

Tension and
uncomfortable feelings-
t0 me-
just aren't worth it.

When things get tough,
really start to matter,
consider me gone.
Flight over fight
will win every time.

Dreaming in the Daytime

Flickers of memories
fly through my mind
like pictures in a flip book.
But
not many pictures are connected.
They move too fast
for me to tell if they're real.
Memories
Old dreams
new endings
or fresh ideas?
I can't tell the difference.
Forgotten friends,
tucked away in the recesses
of my brain,
smile at me-
younger me-
and fade away to the
next pictures.
Inconsequential moments suddenly echo,
linger, in my thoughts,
as I stare out a window-
eyes, unseeing,
but
mind, alive.

Anger

HIT ME!
Go on, please.
Do it.
Hit me.
At least then,
I wouldn't feel wrong
for feeling so angry.
I can't go on,
day after day, being
the person everyone expects me to be.
I've had such high standards for myself-
it's everything, who I've become.
The pressure to be what I want
is making a hypocrite of me.
So HIT ME!
Please hit me-
so I can hit back.

Oh wow..

So I haven't posted in a while..
I kinda got out of the groove of writing frequently, and then my mom's fiancee crashed our computer and I forgot my log-in info..yippee.
I'll put up some stuff soon, I just gotta finish the last section of my online driver's ed! WOOHOOO I'm getting my license next week hopefully!

Peace, Love, and No Drama-
Sunshiney Still.