Existence Undermined by Hesitation

Biting my nails, I am alone. Alone in dark room unsure if it exists, longing for music. There has to be a life out there waiting for me, so much bigger than this quasi-existent dark room and ragged nails. I have to be able to go somewhere. I have to be able to live. Every word out of my mouth will be nothing but cliche unless I have my own experiences to turn into words. Every song I attempt to write will be nothing but lies unless I go out and get a broken heart to write about. My problem is hesitation. It always has been. I always think of the right thing to say a split-second too late, or I spend too long second-guessing what I feel and I miss telling someone. And I'm left, cursing my sluggish mouth, as they walk by. Left alone, to bite my nails in this dark room, not knowing what's real.

Honeysuckle Summer

It's night and I'm barefoot walking on the dirt as the warm smell of summer engulfs me in a wave so powerful I'm dizzy. Closing my eyes I can almost hear the music of parties gone on too late and the whispering of secrets I thought would never get told. We were young and invincible in the make-believe Summerland, where sun-filled days bleached our brains of worry or care. Quiet rustling fills the air as my friend the Breeze moves through the honeysuckle, bringing on another flare of summer smell. Thoughts of the boy who wasn't fill my mind and opening my eyes to see he isn't there physically hurts me. Imagined summers with him make me smile with a painful twist of my lips. His blue eyes squinting in the sun, his freckles melting into a sweet tan, his laugh being the only nourishment I would need for days. Us alone together but all we need to do is hold hands and sit with our toes dangling in cool water. My fingers running through his hair, and it's so real to me I almost reach out- but I stop because once again my eyes see reality and the reality is he's not here. He's somewhere else, thinking of someone else, leaving me with a hole in my chest, the pieces scattered across the ground spelling out his name.

Goodbye

The page blurs as I read about neurons and all I can think is that you're neurons will never fire again. It's sick and horribly biological. I know you're happy staring at the shining face of the most Holy High God but here on Earth we'll miss you. The only thing I can remember is that you told me not to speed- ever. I didn't listen. I'm fine, but it's the principle that matters. I'm sorry. But I promise I'll never forget that your fingers wiggled when I last held your hand.

Untitled Rant of Obsessive Longing

I lean in, close my eyes, and belong to you for one brief second. You'll never know the delusions I have when I take one look at you. Seeing the back of your head in a crowded room is enough to send me off, hyperventilating with a mind out of control. A word from you will dominate my thoughts for a week. I analyze every look, syllable, smile, movement, desperately looking for a second meaning to convince myself you care. I've always prided myself on not compromising for a boy but that was before you. I can deny it all I want but I know I'd do anything you ask, just for a second of looking into the endless blue of your eyes.

Blind Heart

It was night and the girl walked alone but
she wasn't scared.
There were fights and the girl was insulted but
she wasn't angry.
She sees nothing,
while looking at everything.
She feels nothing,
subjected to everything.
There was sun and the girl was outside but
she wasn't smiling.
There were birds and the girl watched them fly but
she wasn't jealous.
She sees nothing,
while looking at everything.
She feels nothing,
subjected to everything.
Her heart is blinded.

Eyes Burning

Eyes burning as I stare at the clock, I stare at the clock and still wonder what time it is. Hours pass in seconds and seconds take an hour. So I turn, eyes still burning, to gaze at the floor. Unidentifiable feelings well up within me, deep from my soul and even from the shallows of the outmost corners of my brain and I wail. I wail for the falling petals of the daffodils outside, I cry for the people whose smiles aren't returned. I sob for the helplessness that consumes my very being right now, so helpless I can't even control my weeping. Wrapped tight in an expected but unwanted embrace- not unwanted enough to shrug away but not wanted enough to ask for- my tears fall on your shoulder and you understand, at least you think you do. The quick unfulfilling breaths I take shake my body and I cough, almost vomit with the effort of breathing and standing and being and thinking. 'Look to God' you tell me, 'He has the answers.' I know this, know this down in the depths of my brain but somehow my heart has forgotten and I can't make it remember. All I can say to Him is help. Help me, because I don't know what's wrong. And so, eyes burning, I look back to the clock and finally comprehend the time.

I Tend to Rush

Sighing
I close the message
message from you that
I eagerly anticipated.
Just another blurb from you that
makes me question my feelings.
What are you thinking?
"I hate him."
No, you don't know him.
I guess
I don't know you.
See, that's my problem.
I tend to rush into things.