Feelings that turn galaxies

Staring at beauty with you by my side, you say, "How do you feel?" What a question. I open my mouth, but no sound escapes as my brain is still scrambling to locate my heart and squeeze out an answer. Now ask me that question again in reference to you and I could spin the world around with all the words I would say. Your patient eyes search for mine and it takes everything in me not to press my face into you and breathe. Instead I return my gaze to beauty and say, "Tell me what I should feel." My heart breaks as you sigh, "I can't."

When Life is Blurred

Human nature is an expert romanticizer. Tragedy becomes something to relive, life with you a fond memory. Somehow, the stark lines of reality are so blurred that a shining trombone brings me to a tearful smile. Somehow, I forget what life with you really was. Yelling, not crying, over spilled milk. Family game nights ending with slammed doors and wet pillows. Life with you was walking n already broken eggshells, because try as we might, we were wrong. Father's Day pictures were you in your old suit, frowning- us, showing desperate teeth and tense shoulders.

If I squint, the smiles seem real.

Unfortunately, when the lines are still blurred, cigar smoke and closed eyes have me envisioning a hiking trip where you made an effort. Where map-reading wasn't an ordeal. Meat on the grill brings me back to six years old, coming home from school to a smiling you making us dinner.

I can't run fast enough to unblur the lines and see the bitterness in your eyes.

Extrordinaire

Burning bridges is my specialty. I love you, but that could change in an instant. When playing the puppy dog gets to be too much, one clean incision and you're gone. Call me a relationship removal specialist, chameleon, illusionist extrordinaire. With a snap of my fingers, the hurt in my eyes shifts to a hostile nothing. It's easy to trust because it's even easier to shut out. You'll be on the other side, head spinning with the quickness of seperation, only vaguely aware it's permanent. I, however, am clearing every thought of you from my mind so next time we meet, the hostile nothing in my eyes will be effortless.

Existence Undermined by Hesitation

Biting my nails, I am alone. Alone in dark room unsure if it exists, longing for music. There has to be a life out there waiting for me, so much bigger than this quasi-existent dark room and ragged nails. I have to be able to go somewhere. I have to be able to live. Every word out of my mouth will be nothing but cliche unless I have my own experiences to turn into words. Every song I attempt to write will be nothing but lies unless I go out and get a broken heart to write about. My problem is hesitation. It always has been. I always think of the right thing to say a split-second too late, or I spend too long second-guessing what I feel and I miss telling someone. And I'm left, cursing my sluggish mouth, as they walk by. Left alone, to bite my nails in this dark room, not knowing what's real.

Honeysuckle Summer

It's night and I'm barefoot walking on the dirt as the warm smell of summer engulfs me in a wave so powerful I'm dizzy. Closing my eyes I can almost hear the music of parties gone on too late and the whispering of secrets I thought would never get told. We were young and invincible in the make-believe Summerland, where sun-filled days bleached our brains of worry or care. Quiet rustling fills the air as my friend the Breeze moves through the honeysuckle, bringing on another flare of summer smell. Thoughts of the boy who wasn't fill my mind and opening my eyes to see he isn't there physically hurts me. Imagined summers with him make me smile with a painful twist of my lips. His blue eyes squinting in the sun, his freckles melting into a sweet tan, his laugh being the only nourishment I would need for days. Us alone together but all we need to do is hold hands and sit with our toes dangling in cool water. My fingers running through his hair, and it's so real to me I almost reach out- but I stop because once again my eyes see reality and the reality is he's not here. He's somewhere else, thinking of someone else, leaving me with a hole in my chest, the pieces scattered across the ground spelling out his name.

Goodbye

The page blurs as I read about neurons and all I can think is that you're neurons will never fire again. It's sick and horribly biological. I know you're happy staring at the shining face of the most Holy High God but here on Earth we'll miss you. The only thing I can remember is that you told me not to speed- ever. I didn't listen. I'm fine, but it's the principle that matters. I'm sorry. But I promise I'll never forget that your fingers wiggled when I last held your hand.

Untitled Rant of Obsessive Longing

I lean in, close my eyes, and belong to you for one brief second. You'll never know the delusions I have when I take one look at you. Seeing the back of your head in a crowded room is enough to send me off, hyperventilating with a mind out of control. A word from you will dominate my thoughts for a week. I analyze every look, syllable, smile, movement, desperately looking for a second meaning to convince myself you care. I've always prided myself on not compromising for a boy but that was before you. I can deny it all I want but I know I'd do anything you ask, just for a second of looking into the endless blue of your eyes.